Closed off
Sunday, August 6, 2023
I feel overwhelmed, restless, stressed, pressured, and ready to jump out of my skin.
My first real gallery show is coming up. I’ve been a part of shows, but never a featured artist… mainly because the idea of putting myself out there, even to talk to gallery owners and curators, scares the ever loving hell out of me. Just the thought makes me want to throw up. The reason I got this one is because I’ve done video work for this arts council and know the director. When he found out I did fine art as well, he asked if I wanted to see about a show. It’s not like I actively went out and cold-called galleries. I can feel my fingers going numb just picturing it.
It’s weird, I don’t give a damn what anyone thinks of me, personally. My looks, my tastes, my personality… if someone doesn’t like them, that’s a them problem, not mine. BUT when it comes to my art, especially this new abstract side of me, I care. I care too much, probably. Knowing that I have to sit there for a few hours during the welcome reception as people gaze around at my art, it terrifies me. And that’s not even factoring my crippling social anxiety.
This is where the imposter syndrome rears it’s ugly head. What if my art is there for an entire month and not one piece gets sold? What if I’m standing there when someone doesn’t know I’m the artist and talks about how bad they are? Or worse, what if no one shows up? Will this last year have been a complete waste of time, money, and energy? And what does that mean for turning this blog into a book? Will any publisher be interested at all?
I don’t trust the opinions of those around me. The boyfriend, my parents, my kiddo, Amanda, even some of my co-workers. For all I know, they could just be blowing smoke up my back end. What about someone who has never met me?
All of this was running through my mind this afternoon as I chose 35 pieces, from the 300 I have, for the show. Trying not to overthink things like pricing, what is sellable, what is good for this area. I almost spiraled out. I wanted to continue to inventory everything and add hardware, but just the act of choosing my pieces was so mentally exhausting that I just went home after I was done.
All I want to do is hide alone in a dark room, put on my noise canceling headphones and listen to Sleep Token… at least I have Vessel.