I want to wear a sweater!
Wednesday, October 12, 2022
Just a warning, this is going to be a long rant…
It’s the middle of October, my favorite time of year. I love October. I love fall. I know that sounds basic, but I do. I love the pumpkin spice, crisp weather, fall leaves, pumpkin patches, apple orchards, Uggs, and sweaters. I love ALL of it. There’s just something magical about fall.
Being in Northern California, fall can sometimes be pretty warm. It’s also fire season. Just the mere fact that we have a “fire” season, is just sad. Sad is the only word I can think of. This year has been rough, to say the least… weather wise. Of course it’s been rough all around for me, that’s why I’m doing this art journal. As far as the weather goes, it’s been awful. Not just for California, but the entire world.
The things that scare me the most are the things that I have no control over. I know, control is an illusion - like Anthony Hopkins says to Cuba Gooding, Jr. in “Instinct” (good movie, if you haven’t seen it). Things that are not just beyond my control, but beyond anyone’s control, has always been some of my biggest fears. Natural disasters, anything from an asteroid, to a volcano, earthquakes, or tornados. I think of caldera volcanos, like Yellowstone. It’s just waiting to explode. Like Vesuvius destroying Pompeii, but on a more catastrophic level. It scares me. It should be in the mid 70ºs right now. It is sad. It is terrifying. It is a crisis.
My daughter’s first October, I took her to our local pumpkin farm. We wore sweaters because it was chilly, it was October. I have taken her every year since, for the last 16 years. But now we have to go in shorts and a tank top because it’s so hot. I don’t want to be in summer clothes while picking out a pumpkin. I want to be in a cute sweater and boots and look like I should be in Martha Stewart Living magazine. I know it sounds superficial, but it’s more about being in the magic of fall.
This year, I have been trying to manifest fall. In the middle of August, when it was 110º, I was baking pumpkin bread because I wanted fall to be here. I decorated my house for Halloween the second week of September when it was 112º. Just the inside, not the outside. I don’t want people on the outside to know that I’m crazy. The people on the inside already know, so it’s fine, that ship has sailed. My dad came over for dinner the day I decorated (and lit my pumpkin spice candles - because I love me some candles). He looked around, laughed and said, “Isn’t it a little early for this, kiddo?” No! I’m trying to manifest fall. Dammit. Spoiler alert. It didn’t work.
Last weekend, I finally decorated the outside of my house for Halloween. I was in shorts and a t-shirt. By the time I was done, I was dripping with sweat because it was so damned hot. The leaves on the trees are on the verge, like they know it’s that time of year, but the weather isn’t right so they’re holding on. I hate it. I think it’s adding to my depression.
California is in such a drought, my garden didn’t produce crap this year. Which did not help my depression as my garden is my sanctuary. There’s no bees. My tomato plants flowered, but nothing. When a lot of the red parts of this country think of California, they tend to think of sunny beaches and big liberal cities like LA, San Diego, or San Francisco. What they don’t seem to realize, or understand is that California is a major crop producer. We grow the tomatoes, avocados, almonds, walnuts, plums, pistachios, peaches, lettuce, rice, wheat… we grow so much. Without water, with the climate being out of whack, it means that we will no longer successfully grow those crops. It can trigger a famine. It’s a domino effect.
All of this is to say that in my efforts to feel fall, I did this painting. I wanted the richness of the reds, oranges, ochres, browns and the little bit of greens hanging on. This painting conveys, not only my desire for fall, but my fears of there never being a true fall again. In adding the gold leaf to it, it’s that glimmer of hope that I may still have, deep down. That people will wake up. You can’t wish natural disasters away or debate them away. We have to do something. We are on the precipice right now. This planet. Humans as a species. Something needs to be done right NOW. Not a five year plan or a ten year plan, but right NOW. If we do not change, we will not only destroy ourselves, we will destroy all life on this planet.
Nothing infuriates me more than to hear someone use politics as an excuse to ignore what is right in front of them. What is on the news, daily. Pakistan and parts of the US mid-west have had devastating floods. Frequent hurricanes hitting the Caribbean and the US south. Heat so intense that airport runways and roofs are melting. Tens of thousands of cattle that have died of heat exhaustion. The west coast drought. A wild fire right now will cause even more damage than normal because everything is so dry.
We are ruining this planet. Watching it happen on TV like it’s a reality show, while eating popcorn. I’m watching my fears being realized, knowing that there were those who warned us, for decades. But no one listened because it’s all politics. It shouldn’t be. This should be the one thing that brings all of humanity together. I am terrified about the world that I am leaving my daughter. For me, the only way I can some up something so huge is by being depressed that I can’t wear a sweater at a pumpkin patch.