Mother’s Day

Sunday, May 14, 2023

It’s Mother Day.

I have mixed feelings about today. On one hand, I am a mom, so this day is for me. However, it can also trigger a lot of emotions. Of course, there’s the womb that gave birth to me. The one that, for almost 22 years, severely messed me up. There’s my Gram and Grandma, but both have since passed. There’s my step-mom, which I’m grateful for. It’s just a sea of emotions. Both happy and sad.

One day, I would like to get to a point where I don’t think about the womb. A day that something doesn’t trigger a trauma that I can trace back to my childhood with her. A time where all of the damage that she inflicted on me, doesn’t send me down into the dark place. Honestly, I think that day will only come when I know she’s gone… like, the permanent gone.

I’ve often thought about how my reaction may be when I get the call. Will I be happy? Sad? Regretful? Elated? Honestly, if I were to get that call today, I’d feel nothing. For me, she died 18 years ago. I’ve mourned the loss of the idea of her. I’ve let go of any hope that she may change. I’ve cut all ties, burned all bridges, accepted things as they are. I will not go to her funeral, if she has one. I will not visit her grave. I will not shed one single tear, because I’m all cried out. I spent my childhood in tears. They’ve all dried up.

I’ve channeled any love I may have still had for the womb, and given it to my step-mom. Because it’s she that deserves it. She has done more for me in the last 10 years, than the womb has done in 41. So, I gave her the painting I did on Friday. Made her a few bracelets. Bought her galettes and crafty things. Made a roast dinner with veggies, rice, and homemade French bread. A few things that I hope convey my gratitude.

My daughter brought me flowers and gave me a hug… then asked if she could go on a date. Teenagers. *insert eye roll here

Such a mixed emotional day.