Helpless

Tuesday, May 16, 2023

I’m helpless to help her.

There are many things that I hoped my daughter would inherit from me. My eye color, hair color, height, talent, intelligence, drive. There are many things I hoped she wouldn’t get. My thunder thighs, skin tone and inability to tan, fibromyalgia, eyesight, stubbornness, shyness. Above all else, I didn’t want her to inherit any of my mental health issues. Well, that didn’t work out.

My kiddo called me this morning from school. Another panic attack. They’ve become more frequent, and much worse. She had one at her softball game a week ago that took her coach (who’s a counselor), assistant coach, athletic trainer, and me to help her out of. She was hyperventilating so bad that her hands were turning blue. To be honest, it’s scaring the hell out of me. I had to do something. So, I called the doctor.

Her regular doctor was booked out, but they were able to get us in to one of her associates this afternoon. Sitting there, being as stoic as I can so she doesn’t react - because we feed off of each others feelings - was like a stab to my heart. To hear her answer the questions to the depression test, was brutal. It took everything I had not to get up, take her in my arms, and cry. In the end, she was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, an anti-anxiety Rx, and a referral for adolescent ADHD testing and a psychiatric evaluation.

When we got home, she took a nap. When she woke up, she came downstairs and stood in front of me with a heartbreaking expression on her face and tears in her eyes. I went with her to her room and she laid her head in my lap and cried. I immediately texted my step-mom that this was a snack emergency… which she more than delivered.

I just want to wave a magic wand and make it all go away.