I’m not really okay

Monday, July 31, 2023

The answer to Sleep Token’s song “Are You Really Okay?” is, no, not I’m not.

I’ve been teetering on the edge over the last few days. Like, one wrong thing, one more disaster, and I’m going to lose all of the progress that I’ve made. That I’m going to fall. When the boyfriend asks me if everything is okay, I just shake my head no. When he asks what wrong, I tell him that I don’t know. Because I don’t. It’s not one thing. There’s no one single thing that is causing my current mental state. It’s a collective. Like standing in the middle of a field of lightening bugs (or fireflies, if you’re not from Western Pennsylvania), every time a go to catch one, another flies by and distracts me. Just when I think I have a hold of it, it crawls out from in between my fingers. That’s what the “wrong things” feel like. When I try to think of what needs to be fixed, it escapes me and everything becomes blurry again. Does that make any sense?

I think I need my meds upped.