Underneath

Tuesday, December 6, 2022

Things are not always what they seem.

I was having an in depth conversation with one of my co-workers today. She made the comment that I am “so confident, talented, self aware, and always seem so sure of things”. On one hand, I’m glad that my feelings and thoughts are not as apparent as I thought. However, I don’t feel any of those things.

I had my doctor’s appointment today. She changed my pharmacy and crossed her fingers that they had name brand Adderall (they did, so hooray), lessened my Cymbalta dosage, and added Webutrin. She also said that if this doesn’t work (we have a video follow up in 6 weeks), that she’s going to refer me to a psychiatrist. Oh boy.

When I sat down this evening to paint I started with a goauche layer of browns and golds. Once that was dry, I used a pallet knife to add the half of blues. It evolved in color, I added rough mountains, and hints of reds and yellows. After, and scraped some greens and yellows on the bottom half with hints of the same reds and yellows. I then began on the lower tree. The bare branched tree. I was initially going to just mirror it on the top and add foliage, however, to me, evergreen trees seem more sturdy and powerful. In the end, the top came to represent what most people see of me and the bottom is what I have been able to hide.

I wish I was that powerful evergreen. Maybe one day.