Underneath it all

Thursday, December 8, 2022

I don’t feel well.

I’ve never tried drugs… at least not ones that were not prescribed to me. Hell, I’ve never smoked a cigarette (of any kind). Growing up with an addict made me very leery of any altering substance. I think it’s one of the reasons that I went so long undiagnosed. I knew they would give me pills. Pills that altered brain chemistry - which are almost all addictive. I’ve been scared to death that I’d get addicted. I’ve seen what happens, and it’s not pretty.

Well… I’ve been on Cymbalta for almost two years. It is a selective serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor antidepressant (SSNRI). It’s for my anxiety and fibro. When I forget to take it, even one dose, I regret it. My body goes through withdrawals, and it can be brutal. I get dizzy, light-headed, and any sudden movement will bring on a wave of vertigo. Yesterday, the doctor lowered my dosage by half…. it’s been a rough day.

When I finally got to feeling okay, I painted. I started with gouche stripes of color… almost cheery colors. Then taped off random areas, and messed everything up. On purpose, of course. I used grays, silvers, purples, and blacks. Then peeled the tape off to reveal the color. It looked unfinished, so I outlined the stripes to make it look like they’re overlapping.

It’s like, underneath. my mess, there is light. It’s just a struggle to get to.