Probation

Thursday, April 27, 2023

It couldn’t be put off any longer.

We had to sit down and talk, like adults. Calmly. Eloquently, About everything…. Okay, so, it was more of me talking and him listening. It started off rocky. Either I wasn’t adequately explaining myself, or he just wasn’t getting it. I was afraid for the first 10 minutes, that I would lose it and we’d regress right back to a crying (by me) and screaming (also, me) fight. It took me getting up and moving to the other side of the room, practicing some deep breathing, to get back on the right track.

I let it all out. All of it. Things I’ve said before. Things I’ve kept inside. Reasons for the way I was feeling. How I am afraid that if we continue on this path, we’re only delaying the inevitable. How we both use our children as a crutch as opposed to actually addressing our issues. How I am afraid that when our children all graduate (in just 2 years), we’ll practically be strangers, or just roommates that sleep together. How I am tired of just being in the same house as him, but never actually being together. I gave ideas of ways that we can leave the house and spend time together and force us to converse. Why his daughter and I are so at odds. Why I think any hope for salvaging that particular relationship has long since passed. How he needs to get it through his thick skull that I would never, ever even consider cheating on him. That’s not who I am. How things have gotten stale. The entire conversation lasted a couple hours.

He said he agreed with a lot of what I was saying. He understood where I was coming from. Most importantly, he said that he would do everything he could to try to change and/or address the issues I presented. This conversation was a long time coming. Like, 7 or 8 years coming. I feel, for the first time in a long time, that he actually HEARD me. We’ll see.

For now, he’s on probation.